LM's Corner

Spring in Sherbrooke city brings on the clean up to all the parks, bike paths and lakes. The orange over Night Parking signs are taken down so drivers can once again park on the streets over night while visiting neighbors, friends and family. We've been lucky that the snow has melted and rain has poured but hasn't caused any reported flooding like our neighbors in Montreal and the various other regions in Quebec. Thoughts and prayers are with those who have suffered and lost their homes and who are temporarily displaced. The red cross has set up donations so if you can give please do so or buy Jesse Jack's Music and you will be donating still to the Red Cross, see ad on the right of this page. Cheers.
Ice cream shops, bars and restaurants have their chairs and tables ready to place on their terraces. Some are already set up and ready for action. Grocery stores and other outlets have their garden flowers, spices, herbs, garden soil, fertilizer and manure out for sale.

A little video of some photos I took a couple of weeks ago on my way to do taxes.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k3B5roqzDNs

April brought about another number to age me as I celebrated my 56th year. It also brought on taxes to do and spring cleaning to occupy my free time with. As I planted seeds in various small pots I covered them to shield them all from the still chilly night air. The landlord took down the winter covers off all our balconies and I smelled the first sweet aroma of cut grass the other day. That familiar hum of a motorcycle engine starting up as my landlord rides a white Harley Davidson. I spied him taking off his own car’s winter tires the other day. A multi talented old man, my landlord, he is always tinkering with something, or building something in one of his 3 garages, I also noticed a guitar case sitting in one his garages as I dumped my fruit and vegetables peelings in a recycling bin. I know his son teaches guitar classes, so he must know how to play that too.

The street where I live at is filled with houses all constructed into apartment dwellings like mine. As you reach the end it leads you on towards the traffic areas of King Street and not far is Wellington. I barely hear any traffic noise from my third floor walk up. But I do hear the concerts being played off of Wellington in July; I sit on my balcony tapping my foot to what ever is being played. Sometimes I can watch fire works from my window too off my front entrance. There are plenty of businesses and restaurants around where I live. I am perfectly situated for all my needs as they are in walking distance of 20 minutes that way or this way. My rent is cheap which I why I stay, and not being a driver with no need for buses I can’t imagine why I would want to move at this point. I have no friends here but that doesn't seem to bother me. I had once, plenty of friends and acquaintances at one point in my life. I don’t go to bars, nor have I any interest in joining anything that would perhaps afford me the opportunity to meet new people. There are a few neighbors’ I exchange pleasantries with and some store clerks who are chatty enough. It seems the stage I am in has granted me peace and tranquility in ways I never imagined and I have to say I like it, it suits, me for now. I had a little bit of a social life when I worked at a marketing firm which is what brought me to Sherbrooke city in the first place. They tend to go away when you no longer work at the company. Now I get paid to do marketing at home at $5.00 every 45 words. It’s not a grand living but I pay my bills. I sell my digital art, paintings, drawings and photo work on LEEMARIE/Society6

https://society6.com/product/drawing-t7l_print#s6-2665422p4a1v45
As well as fellow artists from that site; I advertise their art piece and by doing so I get a percentage when their piece of art sells. I have love near me every day in form of an affectionate cat whose name is Marley, named after Bob Marley.

Who every time she hears my glasses placed in my case knows it sleep time and comes running up to me; leans her body on to my face until her feet are positioned to be able to flop on to the pillow beside me. It's quite amusing, it makes me giggle every time, before falling asleep to her purring. So I keep busy, with my art projects, photographs, writing and reading, work and walks; I feel it’s important to occupy my time that could be otherwise make for a very long day or night if I didn't. I think I would want to invite death in if I didn't fill it with things I love. I consider it a privilege to be able to do so.

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For 10 years I used to live in the same apartment over looking Lac St. Louis in Dorval. I loved living there; I took photos of sunset and sunrises every chance I could.

https://society6.com/product/photo-1dy_print#s6-2684478p4a1v45 I walked my then dog Bear everywhere and often let him loose in the Dorval Island’s parking lot and then sat on the rocks listening to waters rippling sounds. He was the happiest dog I have ever met, he loved to roll around and look at me wagging his tail looking to see if I was happy too, making happy barking sounds as he ran around; I miss him so much.

You get so caught up with just living and being constantly on auto pilot that you miss the signs that things need to change and that it’s time to face up to things, a few truths, maybe more than a few issues. Which is what happened to me in that last year that I lived in that apartment building. Things came crashing down spectacularly and in an undignified manner. I also realized that at that moment of S.O.S I had no peeps and the few that were supposed to be true blue ones deserted me. It could be for self preservation or just no coping skills, who’s to really say. There were some minor attempts at aid with no continued follow through and some moral support from some who couldn't do more, it was all appreciated in the efforts even if I didn't truly pay homage to those facts at the time, I was too busy drowning in my own wallowing. But it came down to me really to help myself.

Such was life's learning twists and fates, I survived the pain, disappointments, humiliation and the lessons. It started with the loss of my job scenario and while struggling between food and bills, shortly after my home of 10 years unceremoniously I lost the struggle in keeping it, landlords don't see past the bottom line no matter how long you've been a good tenant. I landed in jail for 5 hours while my apartment being emptied into a storage facility and I found myself homeless. Within one week of that incident while staying in a homeless shelter, I miraculously found a job and a new place to live. I happened to be walking by and saw a sign on the window for a 'waitress' wanted and I got the job; I found an apartment 4 blocks from where I used to live. Meanwhile, I was met with gossiping neighbors’ and acquaintances while walking my dog about and the judgments were strenuous; for the West Island of Montreal believe or not is a small space and rumors run rampant throughout. I didn't end up staying for long as I took a job away from prying eyes and inquiring minds; went up to deer country, far enough away from the world I knew. I realized that if I went down alone and I should then rebuild alone, I learned to survive alone and now well I feel I can properly walk tall again and in doing so I feel more empowered by being on my own.

Walk Tall Again

Lyrics written by © LeeMarie

Someone once said ‘If you want change you be the change

Well I guess I've got a lot of tough choices to make

and it don’t matter what others’ think,

I’ll muddle through it all anyway, nothing stays the same.

Well now, I can’t deny it, I fall into it. of my own making.

So now I am raising expectation, gonna win back my pride,

gonna gamble on my life now, so I can walk tall again.

Well I recognize a door to my face; excuse me while I go

and find another way in.

No I won’t apologize, for being who I am,

I’ll be the one brave enough to be myself.

Well now I can’t deny it, I fall into it, of my own making.

So now, I am raising expectation, gonna win back my pride,

gonna gamble on my life now,

so I can walk tall again. I say so I can walk tall again

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Being so far from society gave me a chance to exam what was going on with me and to deal with very important issues clogging and preventing me from growing into someone recognizable. I felt and was so disconnected with myself and the reality of it all was staring me in the face, but I didn't know what to do about it. I was having flase backs from the abuse I was raised with, the bulling, the cruelty was playing out with all sorts of triggers affecting me. I was crying all the time and it came with physical pain associated with the memories. I thought I had pushed those nightmare so down deep but it was compelled to remind me.
From the time I was 16 years old living, schooling and working on my own; I have been going through the motions of living life and then with the loss of my daughter brought me to a place where I was starting to find ways to escape my reality; drinking a little too often and the occasion recreational drug use was starting to turn into a possible thing in order not to face or deal with the pain which was causing me to make poor choices and eventual had me spiraling out of control, well at least it felt like I was spiraling out at any rate;.in order not to face up to it all. Which was by now, so deeply rooted in its history that it affected everything like toxic waste. I had no options but to take a good look at me and what I had become and why was my key to healing and changing. Which is what I did with the time I was afforded. It was like my own private rehab/spa clinic where I was the only client and councilor. Playing mother to help along the healing of the inner child, the angry teenager inside and also the mother in me accepting the child she lost and so longed for, in a bitter divorce where the father kidnapped and moved her out of reach for years.

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I have had minimal need of help since being in Sherbrooke city, a friend who worked with me and since moved away to continue her education, was very supportive and I appreciated her kindness as she helped me adjust to my new life of 5 years here. I have been strong and independent up to date and I do pray it stays that way. That old age saying, 'life throws you lemons you learn to make lemonade; it can be bitter or sweet, your choice; I still say I prefer it sweet.

When I was living in Dorval walking my dog, often my neighbors would stop me to chat or even strangers while waiting at a bus stop wanted to unburden themselves as we waited. It's seems I am an empath for those who need a sounding board and I attract all walks of life. When I was with my dog he would pull me on to walk so he was my escape plan as I am a softy and feel compelled to lend an ear to their thoughts, worries and sorrows. When I was on my own though I was more or less trapped and it rendered me passive aggressive unable to say no to the listening and so I had to accept it as a gift of sorts and just be present in the moments.

I wrote this song, mind you I have no real talent in this, but it comes to me anyway and I decided to write them down as it churns in my head if I don't so here's one that I wrote about that experience. a little diddy...

Nobody wants to ever feel alone

Lyrics written by ©LeeMarie

If I say the right thing, in the right way,

can I then get on with my day?

Isn't it enough that I know?

You've got burdens to unload,

nobody ever wants to feel alone,

somebody special will come along;

until then, clear your mind, clear your mind,

clear your mind.

Let me tell you what I've been told,

you got to learn to live life on your own,

nobody should ever feel all alone.

An open window for every door that’s closed,

don’t look behind you it’s only half the road.

Keep advancing you’re so very close

to have what the heart desires the most.

Let me tell you what I've been told,

you got to learn to live life on your own;

nobody ever wants to feel alone,

somebody special will come.

If I say the right thing, in the right way,

could I then get on with my day?

Isn't it enough that I know?

You've got burdens to unload.

Nobody ever wants to feel alone,

somebody special will come along;

until then clear your mind, clear your mind,

clear your mind.

If you care to hear it sung in the format it came to me in a Capella style here is the video scenes of Dorval Island and Bear, my then faithful company. (you can always shut the volume off)

When I was going through my struggles in the apartment of 10 years I had inclining there was impending doom so I had to write a song that expressed my then turmoil.

I Count my blessing

Lyrics written by ©LeeMarie

I count my blessings when I lay my head down to rest, even when my day was filled with more than I could take. I’m grateful for the momentary silence

from the raging in my head;

like a man drowning in search of a Buoy to rest.

And I see the sign that reads I could go

tumbling, tumbling down

for now I‘m safe from harm;

or now I am fed and warm,

say grace, say grace, say grace.

It isn't fair to say, but I’ll tell you the truth anyway,

I feel better when I look around and see

how other lives could be.

And I wouldn't want to sing the tune,

seems like a senseless thing to do;

I just get tired of starting over again and again and again.

I’m grateful for the momentary silence

from the raging in my head;

like a man drowning in search of a Buoy to rest.

And I see the sign that reads,

I could go tumbling, tumbling down

for now I‘m safe from harm;

for now I‘m fed and warm,

say grace, say grace, say grace.

I’m humbled by this moment

to find this strength in me,
to face another morning,

blinded by what it could be;

and there’s only two ways for me

up or down we’ll have to see,

there’s got to be still faith inside of me.

I’m grateful for the momentary

silence from the raging in my head;

like a man drowning in search of a Buoy to rest.

And I see the sign that reads

I could go tumbling, tumbling down

for now I’m safe from harm;

for now I am fed and warm,

say grace, say grace, say grace.

I count my blessings when I,

lay my head down to sleep;

even when the days were filled

with more than I could take.

I'm grateful for the, momentary silence

from the raging in my head;

like a man drowning in search of a buoy to rest.

And I see the sign that reads,

I could go tumbling, tumbling down

for now I‘m safe from harm

for now I’m fed and warm

say grace, say grace, say grace…

If you care to hear it sung in the format it came to me in a Capella style here is the video scenes of downtown Montreal (you can always shut the volume off)

I have been blessed also with long term friendships and maybe they weren't there for some of the struggles and some could only offer moral support as their own family needs came first. I don't get to hear from them often but when I do it's like a comfy pair of old pajamas everything is so natural and warm; it still feels easy, supportive with a mutual admiration and respect. They know I am a freak of nature, my birth sign has me loving attention and accolades; I have been known to brag and show off, not lady like qualities but it's who I am, I have embraced it while trying to curb the urge to be like that too often. I can be aggressive and forthright I am like a warrior fighting injustice. There are some traits still lurking, child like qualities of me and some naivety, I'm still a little gullible, wanting to believe the best in every one. And my emotions are not always as mature as I would like them to be, sometimes my feelings can run deep like my anger.

I take my friendships seriously, they need to be loyal, supportive, kind, engaged and interested. I have put up with a lot from past relationships, but now I have a low threshold for toxic patterns of behavior. I lost three friends due to mental illness and disease. Alcohol and drugs are your enemy and can cause mental illness as it eats away at your self esteem and your relationships for it effects every aspect of your life. I am lucky I could of stayed on that path but I choose to fight my mental illness and give up the need to escape the issues in front of me. I try to keep my box of nightmares closed but I have triggers at every turn. So my struggles are daily but I have a better handle on them and I am not so much as a nightmare myself spilling out all over the place trying to understand what I am going through, making no sense to an outsider. I recognize the signs now and deep breathing exercises seems to shut off the memories as there are many I had to try something and that seems to do the trick. I had an inner strength I didn't know I had and realized it was a choice, as I was on the edge of suicidal tendencies that were floating in my brain inviting me to partake in the action as a solution. It wasn't a moral choice it was a survivors instinct to rise up, take notice.

One of my friend's had a mental illness that brought her into what they call a black hole and I was forever calling an ambulance as she swallowed something to end her days. Until one day I wasn't around and she succeeded. I carried that guilt for years thinking I should of been there when she reached out and I was too busy to respond that time or more like I forgot to call her back like I said I would. I met her in the group home when I fifteen and we stayed friends, her father was a psychiatrist and she had access to his pills until they sent her away from him. I don't know if she had a precondition or it developed from taking those pills at such a young of thirteen yrs old. She was the sweetest, talented friend with a Spanish back ground, beautiful features. I lost contact with her siblings and for a time there I blamed her husband too as well as my self. She had visited various places, they sent her away from treatment, she wasn't in the right district or they didn't have a cure for what she was going through, it was so frustrating for her and to watch as she was trying to get help but kept getting turned away. To be honest I can't remember what diagnose she had been given.

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I had another friend of 30 odd years who drank her self to an early grave by destroying her liver. I tried everything to get her into a program and art therapy, get her busy and active, nothing took. We had a falling out over it as she become increasingly toxic and mean and I was far too sensitive so I removed myself; I've been someone's punching bag far too often and I have had my fill, quite frankly. She was once so outgoing, supportive, loving, caring, wise and funny. I couldn't forget the old person she was and I couldn't accept the new monster she turned into with a vile tongue and just jaded. When I got a positive track going once again in my life, I was warming up to the idea of reaching out to her again, but she died in the hospital from liver failure, a skeleton of her former self.

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Then there's my other friend who secretly was always drinking and taking cocaine and other prescription drugs, not sure what they were to be honest. In all the years I had know him, I never noticed, well I suspected drug use. But he is right, he was always carrying a container with a straw that looked like he just went to Wendy's or McDonald's for a soft drink run. We were very close as friends go, going out with a gang of us to dinners, dancing, jazz fest, and garden house parties. He made the best butter chicken I ever tasted; I'd help cleaning up his house in N.D.G while he created his dishes to serve us. We actually worked together in one his restaurants he opened up. Then, as what happens when we get older he had a heart attack, his life style caught up to him in his late 40's; he carried a long scar in the middle of his chest. That brought him ghost pains and his liver was finished and the doctors would't put him on the transplant list until he stopped drinking. which he didn't do, nor did he stop the drugs. He was a brilliant man, McGill graduate in Chemistry, had two businesses, great artist, advert reader, and chef. He sold his house and bought another in Lachine facing of all things, a grave yard. I tried with him too to find support groups and agencies but he wouldn't go telling me I didn't understand the pain he was in, constantly. So I tried planned outings and visits to my home and his so he wouldn't stay couped up in his all on his own. Cleaned up his house emptied it of his bottles of booze that were scattered on every floor and room. He had his bedroom in the basement and it had no bathroom down there. He placed a plastic pot by his bed filled of his urine that needed emptying. Which brought me flash backs of my own fate of a plastic pot for urine placed in my bedroom closet; filled to the rim with all my excretion. As my adopted mother unlocked my bedroom door every morning and had me carry it down 2 flights of stairs while poking me on my back commanding me not spill it on the carpets or I would have to scrub the stains up. As this aggression made me so nervous while I carried it out of my room past the bathroom that was next to my bedroom, down to the basement; that I inevitable shook with such nervousness that after I dumped it in our basement bathroom. I was on my knees scrubbing the urine stains off the carpets while listening to the lecture of how incompetent I was. The trickle stains leading from the basement scrubbed I was placed locked back inside my bedroom where there was that constant lingering smell of it in my carpet, mattress as well as the cupboard wooden floor; as I dreamed I was going the bathroom in my sleep or I missed the mark in night.

So I pushed aside my memory that evoked smells and visions; and picked up my friend's plastic pot and emptied it for him. When he was home alone, there was the danger; some his other friends and family members tried too to help keep him busy; but it wasn't 24-7. He died in jail, well sort of... He called an ambulance after drinking himself into a lot of pain, the attendants noticed all the bottles of booze everywhere and followed them to the basement and saw he had crops of marijuana drying on sheets of plastic bags and so they called the cops instead of taking him to the hospital. The police arrested him on the gurney and put him in jail where he had a massive heart attack which only then had him sent to the hospital where he died before arriving to it. What a way to go...

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I wrote this while I was feeling helpless, it was my way of coping with the reality of it all.

You didn't ask for this song

Dedicated to those I lost to drugs and alcohol

Emily, Lew, Linda R.I.P.

You've lost all value to your life, what once made you so strong has now

drowned you in self doubt.

Now, when the sunlight pours it’s invite out,

sleep is all you’re clinging too. Though in your dreams,

you let the sun shine on through. Sounds of life fading in and out calling you;

Rise up, rise up it’s all here waiting for you.

In your endless days of hopelessness,

it showed courage when you took the first step.

until you sat on the floor

and told yourself to drink some more,

you haven’t had enough yet;

inhale that smoke,

swallow those down.

You’ll be numb soon;

living in a bubble,

going nowhere, nowhere fast,

just how like it.

You’re in control now,

you say your memory just a little bit, fuzzy, but that’s okay, the pain, oh the pain, it’s gone away.

What can I say, what can I do?

About the way you live your life. Are you tired of the daily struggles?

holding on to a losing end?

And I’m asking, of whose making?

And you’re saying,

you didn't ask for this, you didn't ask for this.

In your endless days of hopelessness,

it showed courage when you took the first step, until you sat on the floor

and told yourself to drink some more, you haven’t had enough yet;

inhale that smoke,

swallow those down.

You’ll be numb soon;

living in a bubble,

going nowhere, nowhere fast,

just how like it.

You’re in control now,

you say your memory just a little bit, fuzzy, but that’s okay,

the pain, oh the pain, it’s gone away.

What can be said? What can be done?

To help your life, move along. Are you searching, are you ready to start living again?

And I am asking of who’s making you?

And you’re saying,

you didn't ask for this, you didn't ask for this.

If you care to hear it sung in the format it came to me in a Capella style here is the video scenes of Dorval

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rbf5EJ9KQuQ

Friendships take some work, they need to be nurtured like a house plant that needs watering and fertilizing or it can eventually die off. Sometimes it requires patience, understanding, love and support, even faith and guidance, sometimes even apologizing. It needs honesty, but not the kind that would hurt someone if it isn't absolutely necessary. I have had friends let go of me over the years and I have in turn have had to let some friends go too. You out grow some, or you change and you no longer fit into their box. And it's okay, it's not necessarily a reflection on you, it is just the way it is. Sometimes friends just become old acquaintances that you say hello to when the occasion calls for it, they know you, but they don't, it's as much as you want to share. You evolve and transform; they were once a key component in your every day life, back in the day. Yet you grew apart and the care to interact with them is gone. The need to be there for one another has to come from both sides; if you are doing all the reaching out, at some point you may say, enough. I am here, may it not be too late. So cherishing those friends who have stuck by you and you them through all the growth spurts, it is a milestone, may we all be so lucky; I love them all. Cheers!

You been there with a tender heart

Present for all the essential marks

Celebrating all the important parts

Being present every step of the way

So for this is your special day

Commemorating your endeavors

Always there for those whenever’s

Gratitude with love

Happy Mother’s Day